A Drummer's Testament
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Sexual patterns in the household; jealousy among wives; the use of medicine against each other; how a husband should live with wives who quarrel
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Supplementary material
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Contents outline and links by paragraph
Introduction
- 1. sex can strengthen or cause trouble in marriage
- 2. differences emerge among women in polygamous household
- 3. sex causes jealousy among wives
Sex outside marriage
- 4. sex before marriage is not common; couples don't know their sexual compatibility
- 5. divorced women who are remarrying: some refuse and some accept
- 6. sex with girlfriends only rarely leads to marriage
- 7. even pregnancy does not necessarily lead to marriage; the man or woman or her family can refuse
- 8. differences among women regarding sex can lead or not lead to marriage
- 9. differences in sexual behavior of young women
- 10. differences between friendship money and paying for sex
Sex inside the household
- 11. sex strengthens the bond between husband and wife
- 12. the woman's sexual preferences determine the nature of the sexual relationship
- 13. sexual strength and appetites are from character; not learned
- 14. some men chase outside women; differences in sexual pleasure from different partners
- 15. differences causes problems; difficult to give equal attention; women see the differences
Scheduling sex in the polygamous household
- 16. women sleep with husband on their cooking day; men get tired trying to please all
- 17. jealousy among women when the other wives are having sex
- 18. how women know if the husband has been having sex with the others; from washing
- 19. a neglected woman will respond: proverbs, return to her family house; how the man responds
- 20. if the woman does good works in the house, will stay; otherwise will divorce
Jealousy
- 21. jealousy among women; they know the husband's relations with their cowives
- 22. no remedy for jealousy; jealous woman is looking for vindication
- 23. sex can strengthen or weaken marriage; need for balance and moderation
Rivalry
- 24. rivalry among cowives; four wives or two wives separate themselves; especially cooking days
- 25. menstruation days also bring out rivalry; sex not forbidden but not common during menstruation
- 26. having many wives is difficult; not all women are jealous, but many are
- 27. three wives is most difficult; shifting rivalries of two against one
- 28. husband cannot separate the quarrel; sometimes will put the three wives into separate houses
- 29. some three wives get along; or the rivals all quarrel with their husband instead of each other
Examples of rivalry and jealousy
- 30. rivals can use medicine against one another or against the husband
- 31. rivalry extends to stepchildren; medicine and abuse against the children
- 32. rivalry over gifts; have to give to each wife individually and equally
- 33. wives are possessive about other responsibilities on their cooking days
- 34. the wives resent and work against a favored wife; gossip outside the house
- 35. jealous woman has no shame; will work against the person who will help her in the house
- 36. the jealousy is general among women; examples of bluffing each other
Women who are happy
- 37. women who are the only wife are happy; examples
- 38. a woman who is for herself; trading and in her own house; no man trouble
Conclusion
- 39. cannot know everything about a woman; secretive; more complicated than men
- 40. women take quarrels to a higher extent; overstate and lie about issues
- 41. can only trust women to an extent; too much jealousy; hold onto bad feelings; good and bad
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Proverbs and Sayings
Sex can make a man love a woman and a woman love a man.
Somebody having only one wife is still sleeping inside his mother's room.
All women are not one.
A woman's work does not work only in Dagbon.
A jealous woman has no medicine.
A jealous woman is like someone who lies down with closed eyes but is not sleeping: if you want to wake the fellow, it's difficult.
If a soothsayer is a nantarga and you need someone to look for you, you will have to go and bring him: you will close your nose and let him sit down and look for you.
We call someone with only one wife a bachelor because he doesn't know what is inside marriage.
Jealousy is the heart of a woman.
The talk of someone who is not a person, don't accept it and don't refuse it.
A jealous woman does not want herself, and we say again that she wants to kill herself.
If you beat a dog, it means you are waiting for its owner.
Jealousy is our custom here.
We don't worry a woman to do any work that she is not supposed to do, and it has become like a custom because it is standing.
Women don't fear shame.
Shyness or shame is what makes a human being.
A human being is shyness.
A woman does not like her fellow women.
No one can know all the talks about women.
A woman is like knowledge: no one can finish learning knowledge; everyone will only learn to his extent.
Knowledge doesn't finish, and you will search for knowledge and be learning, and you will never finish.
To know a woman, you will only know to your extent.
You will only know your wife to your extent.
Men don't have long talks like a woman.
You can know a man, but you cannot know a woman.
A woman is like a watch: as you have her and you trust her, don't have trust in her too much.
A woman will not agree that her sense is a bad sense.
If a woman is a stranger and she comes to a town, before it's daybreak, when she roams once, she knows all the talks of the town and all that is in the town.
A jealous woman is always causing trouble, and she does not know had-I-known.
A woman should not know the secrets of her friend.
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Dagbani words and other search terms
- Names and people
- Fati (wife of Alhaji Ibrahim)
- Miscellaneous terms
- alizini
- cowife, cowives
- duumbilga
- houseowner
- housepeople
- lorries
- maalams
- nantarga
- nyintahili
- Cultural groups
- Dagbana, Dagbamba